aahhh hell....

Sometimes I think the worst part of living here is getting used to it. The armed police in the streets become less and less a menacing terror and more of a traffic inconvenience as the days ware on. The weekly protest against the UN signifies a quiet work day because none of the national staff will come into the office. Even the talk of evacuation is usually discussed in jest thinking about the sheer boredom of sitting in Khartoum for weeks on end.

I don't sleep well at night. I would like to believe that it’s because my mind is a swirl thinking about the horror that surrounds me, but it more likely has to do with the donkeys outside my window, the bad mattress, and the heat. As the situation here deteriorates at an alarming speed I know that if things get really bad (or even just kind of bad) that all of the Western staff will be loaded on to planes and whisked to safety. That knowledge seems to frame everything. That reality allows me to discuss in abstract terms the possibility of the peace deal falling apart, because in the back of my mind I know the worse thing that could happen to me is that my job might be put on hold. How tragic that even in the midst of this appalling situation I can still remain remarkably detached. Its not that I am unfeeling or cold it’s just the simple truth.

I can extend my heart to the people and situation to its very limits, but in the end its the knowledge of what separates us that truly kills me. We are all humans, same flesh and blood, sorrows and joys, yet when the guns start being fired my life is worth enough to be flown to safety and protected in a compound, while theirs…

What is the life of a person in Darfur worth? Is it worth the price of an embargo, or UN troops, or a stronger AU mandate? Is it worth the hundreds of million of dollars foreign NGOs have poured in here, is there ever a monetary value you can put on a human life? Is it worth my time, my heart, my life? Please don’t take this as melodramatic…truth be told I think I know what the answers to these question are, I’m just not sure I can live with them…but even more afraid that I can.